Devil's Don't Cry, Except on Christmas
by meg127
Summary: Dante and Nero are dragged to Christmas mass. Let's just say it doesn't end well.
1. Chapter 1

**Devils Don't Cry, Except on Christmas **

"DANTEEEEEEE!" Nero yelled up the stairs of Devil May Cry. They were supposed to be going to Christmas mass, but it was difficult motivating themselves to go. Kyrie had talked Nero into it, and he figured if he had to suffer through a long mass, then he might as well bring Dante along to suffer to.

Dante stomped down the steps. _"Why _am I coming again?"

"Because I promised to buy you a pizza."

"Yeah and if Lady's present to herself wasn't to take all the money I owed her buy force I could just buy my own pizza!"

"Well you can't, so you're coming." Nero snickered.

"You are enjoying this way to much." Dante punched Nero playfully and smirked. "Come on." he sighed.

They arrived at the church a few minutes later. Kyrie had saved them a seat. "Wow, Dante" Kyrie smiled "way to get into the Christmas spirit!"

"What?"

"You're red coat." she grinned.

Nero caught on quickly. "Yeah, all you need are some green stockings and you're be all decked out with Christmas colors!" they both laughed while Dante glared at them.

They sat down and soon after the mass started. Dante sat with his feet up and Nero fell asleep almost instantly. Kyrie sang the opening hymn happily not caring that the two weren't paying attention. At least they were there.

Dante was about to nod off as well. The only good thing about church is how soothing the priest's voice was. He closed his eyes and right when he was about to fall asleep-

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Dante and Nero jerked awake and sat up. A rather large women with three kids crammed into their pew without an 'excuse me.' What was once nice and roomy was now crowded. The middle child sat next to Dante. He stared up at him in wonder. Dante noticed the kid, but pretended to not see him.

Finally the kid spoke up, loudly. "Are you Santa?"

"What?" Dante whispered.

"You have white her and are wearing a red coat! You're Santa."

"Um…no I'm not." Dante eyed Nero who had started laughing.

"Yes you are!" the kid was getting really excited. The mother was to busy cursing out one of her other children to notice her youngest crawl over Dante and sit on Nero's lap.

"Uh…." Nero wasn't sure what to say. Kyrie was trying not to laugh.

"Hey! Hey!" the middle kid started yelling. "It's SANTA!"

"What! No!" Dante tried to quiet the kid. He looked around hoping no one else heard. To his relief almost everyone was either daydreaming or asleep.

"Uhh…" Nero nudged Kyrie as the baby started to grab at his hair. "OW!" He picked up the baby and put him down on the pew, but he somehow got a grip on Nero's hair again. "Ahh!" he cried as the baby pulled. "Dante!" he hissed.

"I SAID! Its SANTA!" the kid screamed and pointed at Dante. This got everyone's attention. All the kids in the church turned to Dante's direction and started whispering.

"Uhhh…."

"Get off of me!" Nero cried.

All the kids stood up and started screaming in joy as they ran toward 'Santa.' Dante screamed in terror and ran out of the church with dozens of kids, and their terrified parents, following him.

The large woman finally realized what was going on. "HEY!" she rounded on Nero. "Get your hands off my kid!" she grabbed her baby, who took a couple strands of Nero's hair with him. She slapped Nero across the face and stormed out of the church with her other children.

Nero rubbed his face and Kyrie sighed. The priest hadn't even stopped. They went back to Devil May Cry where they found Dante. He was sitting behind his desk grumbling. He looked awful like he had been torn to bits.

"Kids suck." he said and got up. "Where's my pizza?" Dante asked Nero the moment he came in. "I'm gonna need more than one after _that." _

"Um…ok I'll get you two."

"With extra cheese!"

"Sure."

"Good." Dante sat back down again and continued grumbling. Nero smiled as he left with Kyrie to go get a pizza. He thought of something and stopped. A huge smirk spread across his face and without turning he said,

"Merry Christmas, Dante." and then ran out of the shop laughing right as Dante hurled a book at his head.


	2. Chapter 2

Dante stomped upstairs after inhaling the pizzas Nero bought him to take a shower. It was then Nero had a great idea. He tip toed upstairs and opened the door to the bathroom open. He was immediately slammed in the face with steam. He swatted his hand in front of his face. "Gees." he whispered.

Nero got down and crawled into the bathroom, careful to not make any noise. He had a hard time not laughing when he realized Dante was singing the My Little Pony song. Once he was a hold of himself he grabbed Dante's pants and replaced them with-

The water had turned off! Nero stopped dead in his tracks, heart racing. The curtain started to open and he dashed out of the bathroom, locked the door to Dante's room, and sprinted back down stairs. He then saw that Lady and Trish had showed up. He started laughing and they all looked at him. "Guys!" He had to force out from laughing so hard.

"'What?" Lady asked, amused.

"I…I replaced Dante's pants with-"

"NERRRRRROOOOOOOOOOO!" Dante screamed from the bathroom. All Nero did was laugh even harder. Dante could be heard stomping around upstairs. He pounded the door to his room trying to open.

"Nero what did you do this time?" Lady asked with a big smile on her face.

Nero returned the smile. "I replaced Dante's pants while he was taking a shower."

"With what?'

"Pfffft! Green tights."

Lady and Trish both started laughing and Nero and Kyrie joined in. Dante stomped down the steps in the tights, the only leg wear he now had. That made everyone laugh even harder. "Shut up!" he growled. "What is this?" he yelled.

Nero had to wipe a tear from his eye before answering. "Those are tights."

"Asshole!" Dante roared.

"Well you were wearing a red coat, so I thought you wanted to look Christmas-y, sooo I got you something green to wear.

"I look like freaking Robin Hood!"

That made everyone (except Dante) laugh. "Damn it!" Dante grumbled and grabbed Rebellion.

"Whoa whoa wait a sec!" Nero backed up. "What are you gonna do?"

"I'm gonna solve this the same way I solved Vergil locking me out of DMC." he stormed upstairs and used Rebellion to break down the door to his room. He then went into his closet to change into pants only to find that all his pants were gonna and all he had were green tights. "NEEERRRRROOOOOO!"

He ran back down stairs and swung at Nero. He caught the sword with his Devil Bringer. "What? I didn't do anything else!"

"Then who stole all my pants?"

Kyrie started laughing hysterically. Everyone looked at her in surprise. Nero had never been more proud to be her boyfriend.

The End.


End file.
